Right - back to binge-talk... I wanted to make a few notes about the way I end up bingeing and how it makes me feel. Usually, I eat because I'm bored or want to banish bad thoughts. It's always a momentary decision and I literally stuff my mouth with food. For example, if I go out for lunch and I feel bad about something or have no plan of where to go, instead of buying a sandwich or a soup, I'll buy both and add a croissant or a brownie for good measure. What are the thought in my head at that moment? It's only food. It doesn't hurt. How can this yummy brownie hurt me? It's as if I forget how I feel about my body and myself when I overeat. I'll then have all three snacks I bought one after the other "to get rid of them" because by that time I've already started feeling guilty. An hour later I'll be "hungry" again. I'll go and get a biscuit from the tin. I'll do it again in 15 minutes. By that time I don't even think about what I am doing - my actions don't register in my mind. On my way home after work, I'll stop at the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread, a pudding (which I'll eat in the bus in about 5 seconds because of my guilt!) and juice to pretend I'm healthy. I'll go home and make myself two toasted sandwiches with cheese and butter. Then when my husband comes back from work, I'll cook and we'll eat a full meal together. If he asks me whether I've eaten anything else that day, I'll usually tell him "Nothing much really, just a salad". I'm not only out of control, I'm also a liar. Before I go to bed I'm grumpy. I feel very guilty, very fat, very bad about myself. I just hide under the duvet and promise myself that I'll never do it again, ever. I'll never ever binge again. And then the next day comes, and it's just as bad, if not worse.

This is an honest account. I have a problem which led me to gain 20 kg in 4 years. The last couple of years have been exceptionally bad. I've gained 15 kg since spring 2002. From mildly overweight, I've become obese. Who would have thought? I'd like to blame it on my hypothyroidism but that's bollocks (sorry). I take a pill which is meant to help my body find a balance but because of my overeating tendencies not only do I not lose weight, I gain all the time. Time to change, right?